Always Low Standards. Always.

Wal-Mart.


Unions.

Oh, for crying out loud.

The anti-union videotape is especially choice.

But best of all is Wal-Mart's incredibly lame response, which seems to have been computer-generated from "generic denial" software. Sort of like Baghdad Bob on Quaaludes.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "There are some things you can always count on."\\

Licentiousness

Arthur D. Hlavaty turned me on to this, and he says he scored it off of Robot Wisdom (although I couldn't find the article there):

It seems that someone has come up with a stunningly novel way to deal with the enormous opium-growing industry in Afghanistan: License it for sale to manufacturers of morphine and other legally-used opiate drugs.

Might call that a free market solution, huh?

But guess who's against it?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Well, duh!"\\

Santorum vs. the School

A lot of folks are unhappy with Senator Rick Santorum because he refuses to pay school tuition for his children as they attend a charter school. The school district argues that Santorum isn't a bona fide resident of the district, and therefore should pay tuition at the out-of-state rate. Santorum counters that he is indeed a resident, and spends so much time out of town because, hey, he's a Sentor and the Senate meets over in this town called Washington.

I yield to no-one in my disdain for the Human Santorum-Blot, but I have to admit, it sure sounds as though the law and reason are on his side.

But don't feel bad, people. Be content with the fact that disputing the school district's bill makes him look churlish, and with the certainty that he will be caught doing something actually illegal eventually.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "I call 'em like I see 'em".\\

Creationism

[Recycled from 5 November 2004]

The biggest objection I've always had to creationism is that I just can't believe that this world we see around us is too orderly, too unified, to be nothing more than a collection of happenstance and coincidence.

[Typo corrected: What I meant to say was, "I can't believe that this world we see around us is nothing more than a collection of happenstance and coincidence. It is too orderly, too unified, for that."]

You have seven bones in your neck. So does a giraffe. So does a pygmy shrew, thought its neckbones are too small to pick up without tweezers. So edoes every mammal. Why? A biologist will say, "All mammals descend from a common ancestor that had seven neckbones. There are patterns everywhere in nature, and those patterns have meaning." A creationist is reduced to shrugging and saying, "God just felt like doing it that way. Just coincidence, nothing more. Any pattern you see is either blind chance or divine whim. If God had so chosen, cats would have six legs and feathers, while dogs had three legs and green leaves."

Actually, creationism strikes me as evidence of Satan at work in the world. Satan loves to create false dilemmas and dichotomies. It sounds exactly like him to whisper in someone's ear, "If the stars are older than the Earth, then there is no God!"

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "A false premise will never lead to a correct conclusion."\\

Celebrating Terrorism

After hearing for years about people so depraved that they actually rejoiced over acts of terrorism, I finally saw some people doing it, right there on Fox News Channel:

BRIAN KILMEADE: And he [British Prime Minister Tony Blair] made the statement, clearly shaken, but clearly determined. This is his second address in the last hour. First to the people of London, and now at the G8 summit, where their topic Number 1 --believe it or not-- was global warming, the second was African aid. And that was the first time since 9-11 when they should know, and they do know now, that terrorism should be Number 1. But it's important for them all to be together. I think that works to our advantage, in the Western world's advantage, for people to experience something like this together, just 500 miles from where the attacks have happened.

STUART VARNEY: It puts the Number 1 issue right back on the front burner right at the point where all these world leaders are meeting. It takes global warming off the front burner. It takes African aid off the front burner. It sticks terrorism and the fight on the war on terror, right up front all over again.

Grinning, heartless bastards.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "You have been looking in the wrong places."\\

Things I Like to Wear

[Recycled from 26 October 2004]

1. The Sweater That Would Not Die. Some 17 or 18 years ago, I bought a tie-dyed thermal shirt off a travelling Deadhead. I loved it. It was the most colorful piece of clothing I'd ever owned. When it stared to wear out, I could *not* find a replacement for it, so I patched it and kept wearing it.

In order to attach the decaying fabric to the patches, I had to sew it down, and the stitches were bound to show, so I used brightly colored yarn and embroidery floss, and made the stitches part of the decoration of the garment. Also, often I had nothing thermal-like to use for a patch except for my worn-out black socks, and I stitched gaudy yarn over the black patches to make them blend in better. And then I started stitching on extra strands just for decoration.

The result is a truly unique work of art, if I do say so myself. I shudder to think how many hundreds of hours of TV-watching and talking-book "reading" have gone into maintaining and advancing this garment (I call it a sweater these days).

It's my celebrity shirt -- it gets me noticed, and being a paunchy middle-aged man with a graying beard, getting smiles and compliments is just fine by me.

2. My red plaid wool shirt (the Wallace tartan, I believe). It's so marvelously warm in cold weather, and it's the second most coilorful thing I own. The top buttonhole is frayed, so I don't use it, and it looks really swell when I wear it with my purple T-shirt.

3. My engineer's cap. I got in the habit of wearing a hat, preferably a cloth cap with a bill, when I was in the Navy, and Kathe really likes the way I look in a hickory-striped trainman's cap, so that's the one I have settled on. These days, I get them made for my weirdly-large head at the Hatterdashery in Seattle. The Hatterdasher himself was in Corvallis for the Fall Festival last month, and I ordered two from him (I was feeling flush that month, and it's always a good feeling to know you have a backup hat in reserve).

4. My Commander USA long-sleeved T-shirt. With a goofy superhero costume printed on it front and back, all I have to do is add Waldy's red leather domino mask and I've got an instant masquerade / Halloween costume.

5. My Sandman Mystery Theatre T-shirt, with the Sandman, in his gas mask and fedora, printed in gray and green on a black T-shirt. I like that one so much that I reserve it for special occasions. I'm very pleased by how it's holding up. I'll be sad when I notice it being more gray than black.

I would like to say I love wearing my black monochrome Chuck Taylors, which are as comfortable as the "white man's moccasins" always are but can pass easily for respectable office-type shoes. Unfortunately, my current pair are so badly worn that even black socks have a hard time concealing the holes that have appeared. I need new shoes. But we're not feeling very flush this month.

[Update: As soon as we were feeling even a small trickle, I bought a couple of pairs ahead. But now I'm starting nursing school, and I need respectable nursely white shoes. I'll have to check around and see what I can stand to wear.]

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Don't be too concerned with outward appearances."\\

Nutrition News (Paraphrased)

Center for Science in the Public Interest: There should be nutritional warning labels on soda pop.

Center for Individual Freedom: Soda labelling is a Commie plot.

CSPI: They would say that; they're a corporate front group.

CIF: What's your point?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Never mind."\\

Thetans What?

The last time I noticed Scientology, "thetans" were different levels of mental function, but nowadays, I find, they are evil spirits come to mess up our lives.

But that's . . . that's Richard Shaver's "deros"! It's the Shaver Hoax all over again, apparently. Wow.

Who would have guessed that the second-dumbest cult ever to come out of science fiction fandom would get a second chance at life via the third-dumbest?

What's the dumbest of all? It's had various names, but currently goes by NMD.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Insufficient data for a meaningful answer at this time."\\

Jake's Here, 2005

Kathe's son Jake has come again, as he did last year, to work on the roof. This time, he's tearing off the north-facing section, letting daylight into the north end of the attic for the first time in my memory, anyhow.

Say, Kathe, any chance we could put a window or two in the northern end of the attic?

Spare Us!

Peter A. Brown
Orlando Sentinel

Mr. Brown:

In your column of July 8th, you begin by asking why, in the four years since 9/11, there has been no terrorist attack in the U.S. equivalent to the bombings in Madrid and London. You start to conclude, correctly enough, "it is impossible to know for certain why something does not occur", but then contradict yourself by declaring "[c]learly . . . the lack of a terrorist incident in the United States since 9-11 . . . stems from U.S. government measures, or terrorists' decision that their self-interest requires them to look elsewhere for targets of opportunity."

No, sorry, this is not at all clear. Much less is it clear, as you try very hard to suggest, that recent history vindicates the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act of 2001, much less that it retroactively justifies the invasion of Iraq.

To start with, wouldn't such a construal require a vote of thanks and belated apology to Bill Clinton for the policies which prevented the al Qaeda attacks of 1995 and 1999?

Unthinkably yours,

John M. Burt
Corvallis, Oregon"

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "When Hell freezes over."\\

Well, is it?

[Recycled from 13 October 2004]

Is stop-motion animation a form of animation?

How about claymation?

Surely they are. I've never seen anyone to challenge it. But . . .

Is marionette or hand-puppet or silhouette play also animation? It's technology used to create the illusion of life, so I think it is.

Here's another thought: At what point does makeup become puppetry? I suppose that happens when someone standing off-camera works the eyebrows or ears or whatever.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Turn me over and ask again."\\

Imported Drugs

[Recycled from 10 October 2004]

Please note the important thing about the fuss over people ordering drugs from Canada: the administration clearly regards importation as a great and awesome power, meant for corporations and not for the likes of you or me.

If Squibb wanted to import drugs by the zepplin-load from Canada, the FDA would be rolling out the red carpet for them. It's only when an individual wants to take the initiative and take personal responsiblity that they fall afoul of . . . conservatives?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Je ne crois pas".\\

Bad People Comparing Bush and Hitler

We all know that to compare George W. Bush with Adolf Hitler is a terrible thing to do, and people who treat Bush as though he were Hitler are very bad people. So who are these people?

I submit that the worst offenders in this regard are those people whose support for and adulation of Bush resemble that given by many Germans of the 1930s and '40s to Hitler. People who, for instance, rent billboards declaring Bush "Our Leader", or who say that any criticism of Bush is "treason".

That ain't the American Way.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "False comparisons lead to false conclusions."\\

I Am Not Pro-Abortion

Never have been.

"Pro-choice" is not just an euphemism.

If you don't understand that, there is little chance of any further communication on the subject.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Try Again Later."\\

Washington: Behind Closed Doors

Conversation at the White House [Reconstruction]:
"The replacement for Justice O'Connor needs to be someone reliable, not a surprise package like Souter."
"Right. We need someone who displays the qualities we value so highly in Justice Thomas."
"Gee, fellas, maybe we should ask Justice Thomas to suggest some names?"
"Um, Mr. President, apparently you don't understand what qualities it is we value in Justice Thomas...."

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "It is Decidedly So, by 5-4."\\

O'Connor's Successor

I really do not want to see another Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court.

Not even because of the damage that would be done to our country and its laws, but simply for the sake of the Court itself.

Thomas is clearly out of his depth, intellectually and professionally, bumbling his way through the Court's business in a fashion which impairs the dignity of what ought to be the most respectable body in the nation.

We don't need another one of those.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "What you need is not always what you get."\\

Ludlow's 95 Theses

I was asked (by Kathe) to pass this on:

Philosopher Peter Ludlow (Michigan) writes:

Here's something you may not have known or suspected. When I grew up my family went to a conservative Christian church and I subsequently went to a Swedish Baptist college in Minnesota. I recently went back to my home town and was sickened by what became of the family church over the last 20 years. The received view is that the conservative christians have taken over the Republican Party. I think the reverse happened. The right wing of the Republican Party has taken over the church. Nothing could be more clear to me. In a fit of revulsion, and with a nod to Marty Luther, I wrote up the following 95 theses on the relighous right: Download ludlows_95_theses_on_the_religious_right.doc In lieu of nailing it to the door of the Wittenburg Church I'm sending it to you instead. Not exactly the same thing, I realize. I'm not saying I'm a believer and I'm not saying I'm not, but I am saying that what has happened to the fundamentalist church is revolting.

Professor Ludlow invites readers to redistribute it as widely as they'd like. (Here is an RTF version of the same document.

Here are a few of the theses:

1. Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He said "love thy neighbor", willed that believers should show *compassion* toward others.

2. This word cannot be understood to mean mere lip service ("I love them, but I hate their sin"), but genuine concern for the welfare of others.

3. Yet the Religious Right has forsaken compassion for a doctrine of institutionalized hatred and violence.

4. Specifically, the Religious Right has taken the Word of God and wrapped it in the flag of Right Wing Politics, replacing God's message of redemption for the entire world with a narrow message endorsing right wing American politics.

5. Item: the Religious Right has neglected the teachings of Jesus in the gospel of Luke, where He instructs that we are to show compassion for the poor.

6. In place of God's words, the Religious Right has substituted a right wing political doctrine in which the poor have only themselves and their alleged laziness and moral weakness to blame.

7. For example, the Religious Right has rejected the needs of poor children of unwed mothers.

8. The Religious Right has rejected the cries for help from the children of impoverished families in the inner cities.

9. The Religious Right, has advocated fewer resources for the elderly poor and for the millions of children now living in poverty.

10. In place of giving to the poor, the Religious Right has advocated political doctrines specifically designed so that individuals may acquire vast sums of money.

11. The Religious Right has thus seized on a contemporary economic ideology as an excuse to ignore the teachings of Jesus.

...

18. Item: the Religious Right has neglected the teachings of Jesus that "he who is without sin should cast the first stone."

19. In place of God's words, the Religious Right has substituted a doctrine in which perceived sinners are to be persecuted.

20. Gays, for example, are persecuted because of their alleged sins. In some cases, leaders of the Religious Right have encouraged acts of physical violence against gays.

21. While the Religious Right has been eager to persecute others for their alleged sins, they have been blind to their own.

22. While the Bible counsels that a rich man can no more enter the of Heaven than a camel can pass through the eye of a needle, many in the Religious Right have celebrated the acquisition of wealth.

23. While the Bible enjoins us against pride, the Religious Right appears to be flush with pride in it's holier than thou stance.

24. While the Bible asks that we be slow to anger, the Religious Right is quick to anger -- indeed it appears to revel in anger and in fanning the flames of anger in others.

25. While the Bible counsels that we are not to be "revilers," key members of the religious right have consistently and aggressively reviled their political enemies as well as those who are perceived to be sinners.

26. It seems then, that the Religious Right picks its sins selectively, ignoring the clear Biblical message against avarice, pride, and anger, and emphasizing selected “sins” that have little to no Biblical basis.

...

31. Item: Religious Right has failed to see that God's call to help our neighbors also extends to our international neighbors.

32. International aggression is not a Christian doctrine.

33. Where the Bible calls us to be peacemakers, the Religious Right claims that we have no business trying to bring peace to troubled areas but rather counsels that we should use military might to secure our business interests.

34. Where the Bible, through the story of the good Samaritan, instructs that we are to help our international neighbors -- indeed, even our enemies -- the Religious Right counsels "America First".

35. But "America First" cannot be a true Christian Doctrine.

36. The Bible gives no special status to political entities like the United States of America, and any suggestion to the contrary is to simply lie about the content of the Bible.

37. God does not bless nation states, and if He did, He surely would not bless them for practicing international internal intolerance, and propping up corrupt kingdoms and military juntas that traffic in institutionalized poverty and violence.

...

65. Item: The Religious Right has paid lipservice to the moral development of children, yet their doctrines are antithetical to the interests of children.

66. They appear to believe that moral development can be accomplished solely through discipline and censorship -- censorship of thought-provoking materials and censorship of the findings of science.

67. Yet, as a group, the members of the Religious Right have failed miserably as parents.

68. Jesus said, "suffer the children come unto me," yet members of the Religious Right have physically and psychologically abused their children.

69. They have advocated corporeal punishment, and have carried out acts of indoctrination on their children which, truth be known, are as severe as those of any fringe religious cult.

70. They have made children to be ashamed of and hate their bodies, when they should be proud that those bodies are the temples of God.

71. They have lied to children about the nature of God's creation, teaching them to ignore the great beauty God has revealed through the biological sciences.

72. In place of that beauty, they have taught their children a theory in which God's revelation through nature is ignored, and an ugly doctrine of fiat creation is espoused.

73. They have taught their children to be intolerant of others, to be hateful of gays and persons of color.

74. They have failed to instruct their children in God's message of love and redemption and have substituted for it a message of exclusion, suspicion, and contempt.

75. They have failed to raise their children according to the teachings of the Bible.

76. They have utterly failed as parents, yet they presume to dictate how we should raise our own children.

...

83. Item: the Religious Right pays lip service to the authority of the Word of God, yet that Word plays little role in the treating of the Religious Right.

84. In place of the message of God's Grace and our redemption, they have substituted a purely political doctrine with no grounding in the Scriptures.

85. Rare are the references to passages of the Bible in the sermons of the Religious Right.

86. Those references that survive, are taken out of context and are merely used to justify preestablished political doctrines.

87. For example, there is no Biblical support for their views on abortion.

88. There is no Biblical support for their right wing economic theories.

89. There is no Biblical support for their campaign of abuse against their own children.

90. There is no Biblical support for their "America First" doctrines.

91. There is no Biblical support for their treatment of persons of color.

92. There is no Biblical support for their treatment of homosexuals.

93. In conclusion: the Religious Right has desecrated the house of God, taking a place of worship and treating it as a soap box in the service or the Right Wing of the Republican Party.

94. The Religious Right has likewise desecrated the Word of God, attributing to the Bible doctrines that are hateful, cruel, and entirely antithetical to the actual contents of the Bible.

95. Christians are to be exhorted to speak out against the Religious Right, as it is a vile heretical movement, wholly outside the teachings of the Word of God.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Wow."\\

Support Our Troops

And not by buying some stupid gewgaw.

By signing Wesley Clark's petition calling for an end to prisoner abuse, and an end to blaiming the troops for the President's abusive policies.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "A small action is better than none."\\

Jake Sent Me This

Does such a country as Belgium really exist, or is it an elaborate hoax?

Only one site, http://zapatopi.net/belgium.html dares to ask this question.

Well, how many people do you need asking a question like that?

The site also provides helpful links exposing other fraudulent places, such as Minneapolis, Idaho, Delaware, Vermont, Wisconsin, Wyoming, England and Winnipeg.

My first impulse was to immediately prove that Oregon doesn't exist, but gee, that sort of thing's been done, hasn't it? And once you have dispelled the Moon and the Sky, can making Oregon vanish in a puff of assertion be much of a challenge?

Kathe has always favored the idea that New Zealand is a work of fiction based on an idealized version of Oregon, but I'm thinking more in terms of revealing the existence of a state secretly admitted to the Union -- probably during the Civil War, when all sorts of irregular things were being done -- and maintained in secret by the Army or the Treasury Department as a useful place for doing secret things. Most likely, it's located between southeastern Oregon and southwestern Idaho -- after all, we already know Harney County is bigger than Oregon, as you can prove by trying to drive across it.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Go ask the Governor of Wallowa."\\

Kathe Sent Me This

and this

and this

and this

qnd from a random site she was passing through:

"Goats are stupid, mean, and hard-headed. That's why they're called 'Nature's Presidents'."

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "You know whose advice you can trust."\\

Fastest Flipflop Yet

To: David Reinhard, davidreinhard@news.oregonian.com

I have just read your essay on Social Security modifications in the Sunday Oregonian for 26 June 2005.

In paragraph three, you make an admiring reference to "a marketable Treasury bond". Then in paragraph five, you refer to the same instrument as "an IOU somewhere in West Virginia".

My question for you is: will Medicare cover my treatment for whiplash?

//The Magic 8-ball says, "What do you think?"\\

What Goes Around Sometimes Comes Way Too Close

Up here in the lookout tower above the house, I get a good view of light planes taking off and landing at Corvallis Municipal Airport, and the larger planes flying commercial routes between Portland and other coastal cities (in spite of the surprising number of flights between PDX and southern California which go through Salt Lake City).

[I also occasionally see dirigibles, PBYs, flying saucers and the Red Baron, but that's another issue entirely.]

Today, though, I'm looking at those aircraft with a little more leeriness, and the lookout seems like less of a sanctuary.

Air traffic controllers at Dallas-Fort Worth have been found to be systematically concealing near misses between aircraft under their control. The FAA at first denied that there was any problem, then admitted there was one, but said it was limited to DFW. This also proved to be untrue.

So: air traffic controllers have a culture of irresponsibility and connivance in concealment. Why should we be surprised? This is the brotherhood of air traffic controllers which was formed by Ronald Reagan's scabs.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "This actually makes more sense than blaming Clinton."\\

Corporations Are People, Humans Are Cattle

Might as well break out the branding irons now. The Supreme Court has ruled that any private property may be seized and transferred to any other private owner who can realize a greater cash profit from it.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Fortunately, I'm no mere human."\\

Andrew Sullivan is Right Again

[With thanks to Arthur D. Hlavaty]

"ALAN TURING, RIP: Today is the late math genius's birthday. Turing was a brilliant Englishman, one of the founding fathers of computer science, and a patriot whose cracking of the Nazis' Enigma Code was critical to winning the war against Hitler. His amazing work was rewarded by being offered the choice in 1952 of choosing chemical castration or imprisonment for being gay. Two years later, a broken man, he killed himself. Today is a day for honoring him and the countless men and women over the centuries whose gifts and dignity were obliterated by ignorance, oppression and hate, hate that is still being excused and perpetrated today. May those of us lucky enough to have been born in their wake never forget what they went through, never forget the cruelty and evil they had to confront, and do everything we can to prevent these wounds being passed to the next generation."

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "That goddamn test was rigged!"\\

(Heart) of Stone

Sure are a lot of sites advertising "Hotel Gitmo" and even "I (Heart) Gitmo" T-shirts. One of them even dares to say that wearing one of their shirts will somehow "support our military".

Here's my prediction: Somebody's Senate campaign is going to be stopped dead by a twenty-year-old photo of the candidate, as a Young Republican, wearing one of those filthy shirts.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Count on it."\\

"Gitmo", How Cute

I would like to register, for the record, my objection to the cutesy abbreviation "Gitmo".

One also should not refer to Bergen-Belsen as "Bergie", nor to Lubyanka as "the Loob".

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Call it what you like, it is what it is."\\

Sign the Petition to Save PBS

http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/?id=5684-1563499-t5bJ_bsqrODW7sIee5vXfA&t=4

I would take it as a personal favor if you would.

Thank you.

//The Magic 8-Ball says " http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/?id=5684-1563499-t5bJ_bsqrODW7sIee5vXfA&t=4 ".\\

Things Kathe Sent Me Today

From various places:

1) "Besides, he's short! He's about two foot six!" (Tom Cruise) "Well, your body gets smaller once you get rid of those nasty thetans that were filling it up." Looks like Scientology dogma has mutated some since I last was aware of it.

2) "You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. How will you escape?" "Why would I want to escape? Come on, I've got a goat *and* a slinky?!"

3) "Lawless Republicans . . . they reported a bill as 'passed' 3 - 0, no quorum; what is beyond them?"

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Go ask Kathe."\\

My Egyptian Name

My name using Egyptian Hieroglyphs!

Try your name

Script by

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Hoo boy, if you only knew what it really says".\\

Corpse Abuse

If I had decided yesterday to embrace the mitzvah of forgiveness and write off every dirty, cruel, selfish, shabby thing Florida Governor Jeb Bush had ever done, I would right now be hopping up and down denouncing him as a no-good son of a bitch, solely on the basis of what he has done since then.

He has asked State Attorney Bernie McCabe to investigate the possibility of criminal charges against Michael Schiavo concerning his reaction to his wife's original seizure, back in 1990.

Jeb Bush, this is . . . unspeakable. How can I convey how despicable your behavior in this matter is?

You are . . . .

You are a disgrace to the Bush family.

There. I knew if I tried I would come up with a vile enough epithet.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Even Uncle Vannevar should be ashamed."\\

Let's Talk

[Recycled from 2 September 2004 -- I notice it's still "current"]

Last night I had a most unusual conversation. Unusual, in that I was actually talking, exchanging thoughts, with a person, enjoying the process, when suddenly she declared that invading Iraq was a vitally necessary act, forced upon our government by circumstances.

Seriously, I haven't had much practice at discussing the matter. Hardly anyone I know feels that way. I was somewhat at a loss. In the event, what I said was that I thought the war was a great folly that had nothing to do with the necessary task of shutting down al Qaeda. I went on to say that regardless of whether the war was necessary or not, it had happened, that the only way out was through, that it would take years to extricate ourselves, &c., and that the most important thing was that we had to keep our forces well-supplied and well-supported, look after the wounded and the bereaved and minimize the suffering of all parties. I politely left out the phrase "clean up the mess that idiot has created for us."

I don't think she liked that answer, but it was the only one I had for her.

What do you think?

And yes, I'm actually interested in knowing.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Not until U.S. government policy changes."\\

Surah 9:11

[Recycled from 6 September 2004]

You may have received this e-mail. The text, and the commentary, are reprinted here from screamingpickle.com:

Screaming Pickle Is Intrigued



The following email has been circumnavigating the globe, referencing the Quran 9:11





"This is something to think about! Since America is

typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should

have read up on his Muslim passages... The following

verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of

Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of

the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of

Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced;

for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

Note the verse number!!!!!"




Screaming Pickle Investigates



Our crack team of scientists searched multiple online databases which contain the Quran in it's entirety.

The word "eagle" does not appear anywhere in the Quran, the Koran or even the Quarahnne



Our scientists then went to google.com and typed in "online quran" to locate an online copy of the book. Here is the actual Chapter 9, verse 11 of the Quran



009.011

YUSUFALI: But (even so), if they repent, establish regular prayers, and practice regular charity,- they are your brethren in Faith: (thus) do We explain the Signs in detail, for those who understand.

PICKTHAL: But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then are they your brethren in religion. We detail Our revelations for a people who have knowledge.

SHAKIR: But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.




Screaming Pickle Uncovers



This email is actually complete and total rock bottom crap.

I Suppose it's Possible

[Recycled from 9 September 2004, and I note that the bizarre behavior has only gotten worse]

I really don't like this thought in my head, and I feel acutely uncomfortable sharing it with others, but I feel as though I have to, so I might as well spit it out:

Do you think it's possible that George W. Bush's bizarre behavior is the result of his using cocaine while in office?

We know he used cocaine 30 years ago.

And 20 years ago.

And Kitty Kelly claims he was still using as recently as twelve years ago.

Now, I heartily dislike the man, but I really don't want to believe this.

But maybe it's not just arrogance. Maybe it's delusions of grandeur.

Maybe it isn't just stubbornness. Maybe it's frontal lobe malfunctions.

Maybe he's sucking up the white stuff in the same office where Monica Lewinsky . . . .

But really, I don't think it's funny.

And I don't find the idea to be "unseemly" or "offensive", either.

I find it frightening.

//The Magic-8-Ball says, "My black plastic body contains a glass vial, and the glass vial contains a white lump, but it's not what you think."\\

Top Ten List

[Recycled from 9 October 2004]

Back before the invasion of Iraq, I sent out an e-mail listing my top ten projects for the U.S. government that made at least as much sense as invading Iraq. I don't have a copy of my list handy, but it was something like this:

Invading North Korea
A Moon base
Bringing Puerto Rico into the union
That sea-level Panama Canal we've been promising ourselves for years
The next-generation space shuttle
Bringing Haiti into the union
Raising the Titanic
Invading Pakistan and shutting down their nuclear program
An expedition to Mars
Rebuilding Afghanistan

Note that I left out any "wimpy" projects like universal health care, alternative energy, &c. I stuck with things that I thought might appeal to the Crusader crowd.

I think back to that list, and how easy it was to come up with ten items off the top of my head, when I hear people scrambling to justify invading Iraq, saying, "Well, Saddam was a real bad guy, and it's good that he's in jail now, so that makes it a good idea we invaded Iraq."

I also think of a hearing I once watched, in which a crooked politician, trying to excuse his arranging a low-income housing contract for a friend's construction company:
Interrogator: Now, you were responsible for SleazCo getting the contract for this project.
Pol: Yes, and the people who are living there now are glad I did.

Never mind that twice as many people could have been housed with that money -- let's look on the bright side.

*sigh* Darn it, I've been thinking about Iraq again. Can anybody recommend a good comedy to rent?

//The Magic 8-ball says, "I [heart] Huckabees."\\

Bolo Ties Prohibited

Thomas Benya is barred from graduation ceremonies at McDonough High School in Pomfret, Maryland, for wearing a bolo tie under his gown.

This kid needs to get the state of Arizona on the case.

I don't know if it's true, but I've always been fond of the story that the Kansas state legislature once included the western meadowlark on a list of "public nuisance" animals. Nebraska responded to this treatment of their state bird by declaring the sunflower a "noxious weed".

Maybe Arizona should prohibit the serving of striped bass at graduation dinners.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "I am the official divinatory tool of the state of New Jersey."\\

Apologies to Katherine Harris

All this time, I've been stewing with loathing for Katherine Harris as the architect of the disenfranchisement of African American voters in Florida in 2000.

But judging by her performance before the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, she doesn't know enough about electoral politics to mastermind such a scheme.

She couldn't even manage to file to run for office correctly.

So, now that I know that ex-Secretary of State, current Congresswoman and would-be Senator Harris is the sort who fertilizes her garden with shinola, I offer my apologies to her.

The poor sap.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "What you askin' me for?"\\

Hammer

[Recycled from 14 September 2004]

Kathe, the light of my life these past 20 years, is very fond of making things, and of making things work.

In one memorable incident, she finished rewiring a circuit, turned on the light and saw that it was in fact correct, gave a Tarzan yell and said, "Everything in this hosue that works, works because I made it work!"

And she's right. When she bought he house (about 10 years before we met), it was a wreck.

The other day, I saw an episode of _Modern Marvels_ on the History Channel which was devoted to the neglected marvel of hand tools, and especially "the king of tools": the hammer.

They even quoted one of Kathe's favorite proverbs: "By hammer and hand do all things stand".

[Follow-up: For Christmas 2004, I bought her a new hammer, with her name and that motto engraved on the steel shank.]

//The Magic 8-ball says, "Love can be expressed in many ways."\\

The Downing Street Memo

Please,

please,

please actually go and read the damned thing.

Okay?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "The answer you seek is here."\\

Long Underwear

In June?

We're getting our longies out in June?

But the gray, chilly day outside doesn't care that it's June, so we're firing up the oil stove and getting out our longies.

But still, it's June, isn't it?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Yes, it is June -- so what?"\\

Depraved Indifference

[Recycled from 25 September 2004]

That's the attitude displayed by Timothy McVeigh when he decided to go ahead and blow up the FBI headquarters, even though he knew it had a day care center. He didn't *intend* to kill any innocent little children (just "guilty" FBI agents), he just felt a depraved indifference to their suffering.

Do we know any other people like that?

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "My lips are sealed."\\

You Can't Put the Handle Back on a Coffee Cup

[Recycled from 3 September 2004]

It's no good trying. Not superglue, not tiny holes drilled for posts, not globs of epoxy putty that make it look Flintstonian, nothing can restore a coffee cup once its handle has broken. You'd have a better chance with a cup that's broken across the cup part.

No matter how much you love that cup, you will never, ever be able to get the handle back on, even if it broke off in one piece.

Your choices are limited to:
1) Toss it. Look on eBay for another of the same thing.
2) Find some use for it other than as a coffee cup: a pen holder, a flower pot, &c.
3) Bury it in your garden on its side, with the nifty picture turned upward so you can see and admire it from time to time.

But for crying out sake, do NOT keep it sitting around forever with the fragments of the handle sitting in the cup while you think occasionally about new ways to waste your time and break your heart trying to mend it.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "There comes a time when you must cut your losses."\\

Don't Talk While Edward Cone is Interrupting

[Recycled from 23 August 2004]
Edward Cone
News & Record
8-22-04

There never was a golden age of polite discourse in American politics, a sad truth borne out by even cursory study of the libelous pamphleteers who helped found the Republic, the violent secessionists who tried to rip it apart and the campaign tactics of Jesse Helms.

Yet we seem to be reaching a new low in the way we speak to each other, except in terms of volume, which defined as either the amount of blather or the noise level thereof continues to hit new highs. On television and the Web, talk radio and the pages of newspapers, multiplex screens and the Senate floor, the art of persuasion has given way to bluster and tirade.

Well, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it right, so I'm offering up this guide to modern political speech. It's a bipartisan, multimedia template that works for any point of view on the partisan spectrum, in any venue. Forget talking points -- these are shouting points. Repeat after me:

I am right, and you are wrong.

You are not just wrong, you and those like you are intellectually insufficient and morally suspect. Why do you hate our country? Think of the children. God said to tell you that he is not pleased.

Stop interrupting me while I'm shouting. Feel the crushing weight of my arguments, which are built on logic and constructed from facts that are sturdy and sound. You just whine about how you feel.

Your information is flawed because it came from a source I know to be aligned with the forces of darkness. I am able to parse the media and edit what I see for bias and spin, while you are a gullible sap who believes everything you see on the TV or read in that wholly discredited rag you just quoted.

You speak in cliches, slogans and sound bites. I speak in pithy phrases and time-tested words of wisdom. You call names, I tell it like it is. You are vulgar, I am colorful.

My candidate is a hero. Yours is a zero. One cannot compare the youthful hijinks of my guy with the youthful wantonness of yours. My guy makes mistakes, yours commits sins of the worst kind. And likes it. My guy was misquoted, or simply misspoke, while your guy was caught on tape saying exactly what I expected him to say.

The mainstream flows right by my house while you live somewhere way out past the flood plain with the other weirdos. You are not in touch with the values of America, which I and those like me just happen to exemplify. You and your ilk have poisoned the culture, and I know the antidote.

The celebrities who celebrate your point of view are pinheads to whom we should pay no attention whatsoever. The celebrities who celebrate my point of view are concerned citizens who have done their homework and speak from the heart.

The most extreme example or action of an individual who agrees with any idea or position you favor will do just fine as a representation of your actual ideas or positions. The most extreme example of anyone or anything associated with my ideology shows that inclusiveness is a vital part of our message.

Your economic outlook is really a call for class warfare. You would bankrupt the country and sell the parts at auction.

Read the Constitution. It clearly shows whatever it is that I want it to show. Context, schmontext. A nugget, a morsel, a soundbite plucked from any source can serve to make my point. Your copy of the Bill of Rights is missing a few. The flag waves for me; tremble in its shadow.

Your attempt at humor reveals your narrow-minded bigotry. Your reaction to my own attempt at humor shows that you cannot take a joke.

I disagree with what you say, and I will defend to the death my right to tell you so. Jerk.

Edward Cone (www.edcone.com, efcone@mindspring.com) writes a column for the News & Record most Sundays.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Shut up!"\\

Lily-White Snowflake Babies, Anyone?

(Some of) the people loudly denouncing abortion have decided to live their (profession of) faith (sort of).

They are "adopting" frozen embryos left over from in-vitro fertilization procedures and having them implanted in their own bodies (or in the bodies of their wives, or other women whose bodies they control). They are soliciting for other women to do the same. Some women, anyway.

No lesbians need apply.

These people insist that every zygote has a right to a chance at life, however slim the chance, however miserable the life. Horrible medical conditions are not an excuse for abortion, they say. Neither is the likelihood of poverty or even abuse.

But apparently the prospect of being raised by lesbians is worse than any of those things.

So, either they are moral lunatics, or they are lying hypocrites looking to score cheap points.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "My cousin Magic Snow-Globe might know."\\

Back to the Firepit

It's summer again, and Waldy and his friends have revived the tradition of sitting around the firepit he dug in the back yard last year, talking late into the night over a fire. They still think a fire requires leaping flames, and that a well-established bed of coals is "embers", but they're learning.

It won't be quite as cozy as last year, since the street won't be torn up all summer long and thus our back yard will not be as quiet and "private", but it looks like the kids will be having a good time.

Good for them.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "John finally posted his vacation stories, in entries dated May 20th -22nd."\\

So You're Being Tortured To Death In An American Military Prison!

From Fafblog. Thanks to Supergee for twigging me to this one.
Q: Help! I'm being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A: First of all, you should get your facts straight. You're not being tortured to death in an American military prison; you're being interrogated to death in an American detainment facility. America does not tolerate torture.

Q: Is there any sort of legal representative or due process I could get before being beaten to death?
A: No. Lawyers, open legal procedures, and basic civil liberties are all tools the enemy can use to escape justice - the justice of being beaten to death in a prison camp.
Q: It's just that my name is Musab Mohammed Khan, the pastry chef, and I believe you have me confused with Musab Muhammed Khan, the al Qaeda associate also known as "The Fist of Jihad."
A: First, there are many terrorist pastry chefs, just as there are many terrorist pastries. Second, competent intelligence and accurate prison records are both tools the enemy can use to escape justice.

Q: I seem to be losing all feeling in my lower body. Is there a doctor in the gulag?
A: Please: we find the term "gulag" absurd and offensive. A "gulag" is Russian. You are not being interrogated to death by Russians. You are being interrogated to death by the greatest country in the world.
Q: Is there a more accurate term you'd pre- aaaa! AAAAAAAA!
A: We prefer "outpost of liberty" or "island of freedom." Stringing together Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and Bagram Airbase creates the Freedom Archipelago.
Q: So! Much! FreeedaaaAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!!

Q: When I die in a few minutes, will my death help the cause of freedom?
A: Not really. But in a way, isn't death itself just freedom from life - the greatest prison of all?
Q: Wow... you've *HRAAACK* totally blown my mind - and my lung and ribcage and my kneecaps!
A: Oh, don't thank us - it's all part of being tortured to death in an American military prison!

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "I'd prefer to be called a Magic Reliable Intelligence Source."\\

Human Trafficking

Yet another form of human trafficking: people who take in refugees and then sell them to American torture camps.

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=807914&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Would you like electrocuted testicles with that?"\\

Deregulation

[Recycled from 6 August 2004]

I notice that when people talk about "deregulation", often what they are asking for is actually the opposite of deregulation.

My favorite example is still the "deregulation" which led to the collapse of the savings and loan industry in the 1980s.

S&Ls were required to join the government-owned Federal Savings and Loan Insurance Corporation (FSLIC), which insured deposits up to $100,000. FSLIC rules limited the sorts of activities S&Ls could engage in, in order to reduce the corporation's liability.

Logically, the way to deregulate such an industry would be to charter the FSLIC as a private body without taxpayer subsidies, and make membership in it voluntary. A savings and loan whose officers thought they could do better could join with others to form a competing insurance group, or try to buy insurance from an existing insurance company, or even wing it without insurance, so long as investors were fully informed of the risks they were shouldering.

Those of us who actually remember the Reagan years (as opposed to those who simply feel a vague warm fuzzy sensation at the mention of the Great Man's Name) will remember the Reagan version of deregulation: membership in FSLIC was still mandatory, but S&Ls were no longer bound by those pesky rules and could take all the risks they wanted, even to the extent of gambling on currency exchange rates (otherwise known as Wall Street Roulette). Federal regulators even went beyond the requirements of the law, promising depositors that deposits greater thsn $100,000 would be covered, even if they amounted to millions of dollars.

Free of all restrictions and all fears, the officers of many S&Ls behaved as you might expect: they went hog-wild with other people's money, hoping to make billions, and for the most part they failed. S&Ls were bankrupt all over the country.

The FSLIC had nothing like enough money to cover all those losses. Taxpayer money had to make up the difference. And yes, even those million-dollar deposits by corporations were paid off, even though the government had no legal obligation to do so.

That's deregulation the Reagan - Bush - Bush way. We still haven't tried deregulation the deregulation way, which is why I am still not ashamed of having been a member of the Libertarian Party.

Give Shoulder Rubs

[Recycled from 30 August 2004, because shoulder rubs are always in order]

It's not difficult, doesn't require so much strength that it will wear out your hands, and the people around you will be in a better mood, so it's to your advantage from a purely selfish perspective.

Knead up the shoulder muscles for awhile, moving along up the neck and out onto the deltoid muscles of the upper arm a bit.

Gradually, settle the fingers of one hand on one shoulder, so the tips are pressing into the well of the shoulder, or behind the well in the trapezius muscle. With your other hand, press lightly at the bottom of the deltoid muscle and hold for a minute or so. Then move on to the outside corner of the elbow, and finally tot he place where the forearm bones meet the wrist, on the back of the wrist. These pressure points relate to stress, and really ought to be worked on just about every American adult.

Give shoulder rubs. Ask for them. Learn and study.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "What do you care, you're too busy to even write in your blog?"\\

Put It In Perspective

[Recycled from 5 August 2004]

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars
And the pismire is equally perfect, and a grain of sand, and the egg of the wren,
And the tree-toad is a chef-d'oeuvre for the highest,
And the running blackberry would adorn the parlors of Heaven,
And the narrowest hinge in my hand puts to scorn all machinery,
And the cow crunching with depress'd head surpasses any statue,
And a mouse is miracle enough to stagger sextillions of infidels

Walt Whitman

Did I Miss Something?

[Recycled from 17 September 2004]

It seems to me that nuclear weapons (and other WMD) are

1) of least value to a country that has overwhelming superiority in conventional military forces

2) of some possible value as a deterrent to a country that is in a vulnerable position relative to powerful neighbors

but

3) of most value to terrorists?

So isn't it maybe just a tad unwise for the government of the United States to be encouraging an arms race among the second class of military powers? And to be proposing to build "bunker busters", nuclear bombs so small and convenient that even the most inept terrorists will be able to steal them?

Or am I missing something?

This makes me breathe funny

[Recycled from 31 July 2004]

Working a couple of different jobs on the fringes of medicine, I have picked up a reasonable amount of technical vocabulary.

But even people who don't have my medical background are surprised when I tell them that I recently saw an "educational" document, written for distribution to caregivers, which referred to the intermittent breathing of people close to death as "chain-stoking".

Dr. Cheyne (1818) and Dr. Stokes (1854) must be rolling over in their graves.

(thanks to for whonamedit.com background information)

Identity Theft

Arthur D. Hlavaty turned me on to a good idea the Corpuscle had for a TV spot:

If I had a million dollars -- well, more likely, several million -- here's the T.V. ad I'd create and run until the most harrowing problem our democracy now faces is finally fixed. Somebody may have already done one like it, but if they have I haven't seen it.

Since these things seem to get titles, just like the Big Kids, I call this one "Identity Theft".

(Sound: perfect silence
Image: black screen.)

Fade in white text: "10 MILLION AMERICAN IDENTITIES"
Fade in below that: "ARE HIJACKED EVERY YEAR"

(Fade to black. Pause.)

Fade in white text: "CUSTOMER DATABASES COMPROMISED:"
Fade in below that: "LEXISNEXIS/SEISINT: 310,000 IDENTITIES"
Fade in below that: "DSW SHOE WAREHOUSE: 1.4 MILLION IDENTITIES"
Fade in below that: "CHOICEPOINT INC.: 145,000 IDENTITIES"
Fade in below that: "POLO RALPH LAUREN: 180,000+ IDENTITIES"
Fade in below that: "THERE ARE MORE..."

(Fade to black. Pause.)

Fade in: "IDENTITY THEFT"

(Fade to black. Pause.)

Fade in: "IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU"

(Fade to black. Pause.)

Fade in: "IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR COUNTRY"

(Fade to black. Pause.)

Fade in white text: "WHEN WE VOTE"
Fade in below that: "DEMAND A PAPER TRAIL"

(Pause. Fade to black.)

What I say is, why wait for the million(s)? Let's put this up in posters, Flash animations, &c., and get it out into the world.

I'm In

I have been admitted to the Nursing program at Linn-Benton Community College.

More about this later.

After I start blinking again.

Indian Country

[Recycled from 21 September 2004]

To the Editor, Wall Street Journal:

Robert D. Kaplan (Opinion, 21 September 2004) seems to think that regarding much of the world as "Indian Country" is a novel idea that will help give new perspective on 21st Century American military policy.

I'm surprised that Mr. Kaplan seems to be unaware that many people, both military insiders and civilian scholars, have spoken explicitly about the Indian Country mindset within strategic circles.

Going to war with a civilized enemy is one thing: you fight with them according to the conventions of civilized warfare, and eventually you make peace. Treaties are negotiated, and the terms will either be honored, or a provocation will be discovered to allow them to be violated.

Going into Indian Country is a very different matter, because Indian Country is not a nation, and it has no civilized inhabitants. In fact, it is a howling wilderness with no legitimate inhabitants at all. Any people found there are unreasoning brutish savages who must be pacified, civilized or just plain exterminated, so that we can get on with the important task of making use of the natural resources of the wilderness. Treaties may be concluded with the savages, but all civilized people understand that these are not real treaties, any more than the "Indian tribes" are real nations, and they will be violated freely without dishonor.

It is my sincere hope that, far from being embraced as an exciting new paradigm, the concept of "Indian Country" will be explicitly rejected by military planners, and training instituted to warn against allowing the notion to taint their thinking.

Summing Up a Life

We're back, safe and alive, from San Diego -- I plan to fill in the details on that one later. Here's something that came in my e-mail while we were away:

At Portland Independent Media Center, CatWoman writes movingly about the death of Vernon Allen, shot by Portland city police on May 19th.

CatWoman raises an issue that is worthy of general consideration: how do you sum up a person's life?

Here is a challenge for you: describe yourself in three or four phrases, according to whether they are going into your local newspaper's coverage of your death, if you were killed by

a) a terrorist attack?

(Example: Loving husband, father of four, massage therapist, pre-nursing student)

b) your local police?

(Example: Reputed to have been married to a woman 23 years his senior, lived in a shabby house which prospective buyers plan to demolish, rejected when he applied to nursing school in 2004)

San Diego, Part 4

Everyone but us left early Sunday. Due to incomplete communication among the family (he said, with immense politeness), the three of us arrived a day later and would leave a day later than the others, so breakfast was our last chance for family schmoozing. We went to yet another Mexican restaurant in Old Town, El Fandango, and had breakfast in ridiculous restaurant-size portions that left us feeling no need for more food until evening. Kind words and sentiments were exchanged at the restaurant and then a few more back at the hotel.

We drove downtown and walked around, intending to check out bookstores that we'd looked up in the Yellow Pages, but found one closed on sunday and another defunct for months if not years. We did see some gorgeous architecture, including several truly splendid parking garages.

We stumbled upon a gateway to a parallel universe that turned out to be the Horton Plaza we had been told about. It was quite staggering, literally frightening, such an extreme shopping experience, and I am no shopper. Someone who was actually interested in all those places we saw on one quick walk through would really have been moved. I wish now that I had saved the phrase "the mind boggles" for time slike that one. But then, Kathe probably wishes I was more sparing with it, too.

After that Kathe, Waldy and I headed once again into Balboa Park to see the Museum of Man (swell!) and the Museum of Art (not so hot). We were amused by the quaint reconstructions of ancient hominids left over from the 1915 World's Fair, and by the less-than-perfect reconstructions left over from the 1974 filming of The Naked Ape.

After that, we checked out book stores, or as it turned out, I did while Waldy stayed behind and Kathe sat patiently in the car. She really is awfully nice to me, you know. Then we turned in the car, leaving us at the mercy of San Diego rapid transit, which proved to be merciful indeed.

Back at the hotel, we talked about going to find some takeout food, but were still only moderately interested in food after the enormous breakfast. We walked around Old Town, looked in at restaurants, but finally walked back without anything. We did, though, finally break our silence on the mysterious pipes that erupt from the pavement with surprising frequency in San Diego.

The next morning, we took a taxi to the airport, retraced our steps through Salt Lake City and Eugene, found our car in the parking lot looking eerily unchanged after a long weekend away, and went home. It was right there where we'd left it. Amazing.

San Diego, Part 3

We had some "complimentary continental breakfast" at our hotel, then went over to La Quinta to join the family, who were having some it theirs. After a time, we adjourned and reconvened at the Mexican place, then split up to do various things. Kathe, Waldy and I walked around Old Town and saw nifty things, including a man doing gorgeous multicolored calligraphy with a leather brush, another man painting fantasy landscapes with spray paint and crumnpled newspaper, and a shop selling the most wonderfully scurrilous refrigerator magnets.

We bought five of the magnets, and Kathe copied down the text of several more:
Sorry I missed Church. I was busy practicing Satanism and becoming a lesbian.

Don't make me come down there. -- God

The little engine that didn't give a rat's ass (not really good unless you see it with the illustration).

Come back, Bill, all is forgiven.

Jesus would slap you silly.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I've got nothing against God. It's his fan club I can't stand.

If the kids are still alive at five, I've done my job.

I found jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

Better Multitasking Skills through Massive Caffeine Consumption.

Can you impeach someone who wasn't elected in the first place?

I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem.

All these an many more are available from Ephemera, Inc.

The Aerospace Museum was even more spectacular than it had been the last time I saw it, in 1981. The already-crowded floor and air space were further packed with planes and facsimiles, and what had once been the quiet, neglected courtyard was now roofed over and opened up with big doors, and held still more planes (and a helicopter). In the lobby, we rode the flight simulator, then went back and tried another one (leaving two more simulations we might come back and try), and peered inside the Apollo 9 capsule.

There was some more lounging at poolside, this time with more family (Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Pat, Aunt Sandra, Uncle Alec and Aunt Darlene, Cousins Rebekah, Danielle and Zoelle (with Jim and Jason, respective significant others of Danielle and Zoelle). Jason was there without Zoelle at first, nervously boisterous, eventually joined by the laryngitic Zoelle.

Kathe, Waldy and I eventually left poolside to look for food. At a Cajun restaurant, we reluctantly passed on the alligator sausage in favor of blackened chicken and gumbo.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "If you're happy and you know it, drop your pants."[The Magic 8-Ball hasn't been the same since it saw that wall of refrigerator magnets.]

San Diego, Part 2

The Salt Lake City airport was immense, but distressingly similar to Eugene's. I remembered what I'd heard about the numbing sameness of airports, and apparently it's mostly true. They do at least make an effort to give you a clue where you are, with framed landscape photos and work by local artists.

The amenities within the "secure" area were impressive at Eugene, and spectacular at SLC. The prices were surprisingly kind, considering they had a captive audience. We came upon a row of bulk snack bins, surreally set right into the wall of the concourse, and bought some sugared peanuts and malt balls off a woman I took for Ethiopian but who turned otu to be Somali.

The second plane was also a Canadair Regional Jet, a CRJ700, the same diameter but somewhat longer. As on the first leg of our flight, we sat at the back, in the cheap seats that can't be reclined. They packed us in good, with no unsold seats. Very clever of them.

We got to San Diego just about sunset, the lights starting to come in down below. The runways are short at San Diego, and the approach is steep, giving you a thrilling view of the city below. I recognized the Prado in Balboa Park as it flashed by my window.

We picked the Dollar Rent-a-Car shuttle out of a welter of car agenvcy and hotel shuttle buses and were quickly taken to the Dollar office. The agent at the desk pressed us to upgrade to "economy" from "compact, and we finally agreed to pay the extra money. Then she announced that they had no "economy" cars on the lot, and offered us a PT Cruiser at no extra charge. She also let slip that thery had no "compact" cars; I suppose that means that we could have stuck to our guns and gotten the PT for the price of a compact, but it was a good deal anyway, and why be greedy?

Cook Family gatherings usually involve a lot of time spent gathered at poolside, but by the time we were checked in, the gathering had broken up for the night. My aunt Sandra came down to meet us, though, and told us that the family planned to accumulate gradually the next morning over the La Quinta Inn's continental breakfast and then go over to a Mexican restaurant in Old Town for brunch.

Kathe, Waldy and I went back to our own hotel, around the block from La Quinta, made ourselves relatively comfortable in our room. We were annoyed to find that the room, which was supposed to have two beds, didn't. Waldy went out and roamed the streets for awhile and then returned to sleep on the couch. We found out the next day that the couch was actually a foldaway bed, but Waldy preferred sleeping on it as a couch anyway.

[To be continued]

San Diego, Part 1

So, we're off to San Diego. We drive south from Corvallis for about an hour and come to the airport in Eugene, go through security and wait for our flight to . . . Salt Lake City?

Why is the hub for flying from Eugene to San Diego in SLC? Isn't there more than enough traffic along the coast to justify having a hub in San Francisco, or L.A.? Seems odd to me.

Less surprising is a display of Siberian art, seeing's how Eugene has Irkutsk for a sister city. Attractive art, especially the dazzlingly-detailed batik, and not neglecting the oil paintings that look like plat diagrams of housing developments.

In addition to displays of art that are worth looking at, we are also pleased to see that within the secure perimeter there are plenty of amenities available, and at prices that are not at all gougesome.

We take a teensy little non-jumbo jet, a Canadair Regional Jet CRJ50, juuuuust barely high enough in the middle of the cabin for me to stand upright, with my shoulders almost touching the overhead racks. Tough luck on anyone who's the least bit bigger than me.

They get everybody into their seats in good time, even the chirpy little toddler and the guy who had to check his walker (I see no sign of the old priest, the newlyweds or the embezzler clutching his briefcase, so I guess there won't be any dramatic events on this flight).

The plane rattles in the most interesting fashion at every movement (takeoff, raising of landing gear, levelling off). A larger plane wouldn't have so much of a feel to it. It reminds me of driving a VW Beetle, and being able to feel the road. I like it, but it clearly makes some people nervous.

[To be continued -- check this posting later, and I should have added to it]

Off to Sunny San Diego

At least, we hope it will be sunny.

We'll be flying to a family reunion, and seeing a couple of sights. I'm especially looking forward to renewing my acquaintance with the Aerospace Museum, which I remember fondly from my time in the Navy.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Don't ask me, put on the Weather Channel."\\

Have You Ever Kippled?

When I recycled a 2004 post (the Kipling poem "Hymn of Breaking Strain"), Peni had this to say in response:

"Kipling is an excellent example of how impossible it is to label people accurately. He is often perceived - with reason - as a type of the racist right-wing bastard. Yet the man who wrote "The White Man's Burden" also wrote the stirring environmentalist anthem, "The Beaches of Lukannon" (See Jungle Book II). If he were alive today he might be a neoconservative, or he might not. The point is, he *isn't* alive today and can only be viewed in context of his own times and personality, not in the context of our times and preconceptions. Sorting people into limited categories gets us nowhere. Learning about the complexity of humanity by reading people like Kipling gets us the everywhere.

"Take what you need, and leave the rest."

I would go even further than that. Kipling was a racist by some criteria, but he was also steeped in a genuine multicultural tradition, and he had an obvious and sincere respect for non-English people, and for working-class English, for that matter. And, yes, for "lower animals".

Kipling wrote "If", which seems to say that all it takes is a stern will to carry on and not break, but he also wrote "Breaking Strain", which definitely said that there was such a thing as too much stress for a human being to bear, and each of us has a different breaking point.

Kipling wrote
Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat;
but his next couplet shows that he meant the exact opposite of what most people think he meant:
But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face, tho' they come from the ends of the earth!
which is perhaps what he was referring to when he wrote
If you can bear to see the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Hmmmm. I hadn't intended it, but this post is now relevant to the discussion of misunderstood and misappropriated songs taking place at Pandagon, which I find interesting, although I think the case against "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" is overstated, when only one example of the controversial variant can be cited.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "My lips say 'no', while my eyes say 'read my lips."\\

Defining Marriage

You may have heard this one from other blogs, but if you haven't, you could do just as well to start from Ampersand's blog. There you will find a clear and precise definition of marriage from 1886, and will learn, if you hadn't heard already, that traditional marriage was degraded and ultimately abolished a long time before "those people" started talking about getting married.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "The answer to your question depends on how you define its terms."\\

Transcultural Understanding

[Recycled from 27 July 2004]

Many things which seemed incomprehensible suddenly fall into place when you know that the correct way to pronounce jihad is "Yeeeeee-haaaaaa!"

Breaking Strain

[Recycled from 27 September 2004, because it bears repeating]

Hymn of Breaking Strain
by Rudyard Kipling

The careful text books measure
(Let all who build beware!)
The load, the shock, the pressure
Material can bear.
So, when the buckled girder
Lets down the grinding span,
The blame of loss, or murder,
Is laid upon the man.
Not on the Stuff -- the Man!

But in our daily dealing
With stone and steel, we find
The Gods have no such feeling
Of justice toward mankind.
To no set gauge they make us, --
For no laid course prepare --
And presently o'ertake us
With loads we cannot bear.
Too merciless to bear.

The prudent text-books give it
In tables at the end --
The stress that shears a rivet
Or makes a tie-bar bend --
What traffic wrecks macadam --
What concrete should endure --
But we, poor Sons of Adam,
Have no such literature,
To warn us or make sure!

We hold all Earth to plunder --
All Time and Space as well --
Too wonder-stale to wonder
At each new miracle;
Till, in mid-illusion
Of Godhead 'neath our hand,
Falls multiple confusion
On all we did or planned.
The mighty works we planned.

We only of Creation
(Oh, luckier bridge and rail!)
Abide the twin-damnation --
To fail and know we fail.
Yet we -- by which sole token
We know we once were Gods --
Take shame in being broken
However great the odds --
The Burden or the Odds.

Oh, veiled and secret Power
Whose paths we seek in vain,
Be with us in our hour
Of overthrow and pain;
That we -- by which sure token
We know thy ways are true --
In spite of being broken,
Because of being broken,
May rise and build anew.
Stand up and build anew!

Not Vulcans

They're tearing down buildings in the next block over, preparing to put up a big apartment block. Lots of cool stuff is lying out over there, left by departing residents. Kathe and I picked up a bunch of books, including James Mann's The Rise of the Vulcans, subtitled "The History of Bush's War Cabinet".

I have to object to these people (Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, Richard Armitage, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and Condoleezza Rice) being called "Vulcans". I find the comparison deeply offensive.

Vulcans value logic and control their emotions.

They're also not Klingons, by the way: Klingons are honorable and respect physical courage.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "What does logic dictate?"\\

I'm Mad At Texas Today

My apologies to Peni, Honoria, Amber and, oh yes, Michu, but I'm not feeling fondly inclined towards Texas today.

I'm not holding George W. Bush against you. I'm well aware that he's a New England aristocrat whose claim to being a Texan rests on his having bought a weekend play ranch. But you're going to have to take the rap for Christopher Amox, Dallas Stone, John Wesley Owens and James Hicks of Linden. And those jurors, too.

Amox, Stone and Owens duped mentally disabled (and black) Billy Ray Johnson into attending an otherwise all-white party where they picked a fight with him, beat him unconscious, then got Cass County jailer Hicks to help them stake Johnson out on a fire ant hill at a dump, where they hoped he would not be found.

The jurors found them guilty but apparently were too tender-hearted to recommend any jail time for the four (after all, Johnson survived, and is merely crippled for life), but Judge Ralph K. Burgess overruled them, and handed out nice stiff 30-day sentences.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Please, don't talk to me just now."\\

Maxims and Minims

[Recycled from 31 August 2004]

The early worm gets the bird.

A handful of water isn't much, but a fistful is none at all.

(I'll add more later -- or you can)

Calling It

I am pleased to hear, via the Friends Committee on National Legislation that an act is now before the House of Representatives which would restrict or terminate the practice of "extraordinary rendition", that is, of the U.S. government transporting captives to countries where the authorities will torture them.

I am even more pleased that this bill, HB952, is called the Torture Outsourcing Prevention Act.

A brutally blunt name is very appropriate under the circumstances. There comes a time to call a spade a goddamn shovel.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "For God's sake, I don't know!"\\

Whatever

Kathe and I used to go to the Corvallis Grocery Outlet (otherwise known as "the can store")on a regular basis. We enjoyed the challenge of never knowing what would be on the shelves, nor what exotic brand names, seemingly from parallel universes (actually just from remote regional distributors), we would find.

Unfortunately, they decided to implement an "anti-shoplifting" policy that required customers with backpacks to leave their valuables lying around near the entrance. Apparently, they think shoplifters would use backpacks, even though shoulder bags (not restricted) are the obvious choice. Perhaps it's that they (incorrectly) associate backpacks with a certain socioeconomic class, and (also incorrectly) associate that class with shoplifting. So, we don't go there often anymore, because I don't care to subject myself to public humiliation in order to save a little money.

The other day, though, we saw a special we didn't want to pass up, so we went, and as long as we were there, we looked at the oddities on the shelves, and were as usual amused.

One item I found especially amusing was ShurFine brand fig bars. Kathe was familiar with the name, and it turns out that ShurFine is a Western Family brand, quite common in other parts of the continent. So, okay, apparently other people won't be as startled by it, but to me the name ShurFine was suggestive of a product of middling quality to be found at Ralph's Pretty Good Groceries, begging that third word.

You know:

Sure. Fine. Whatever.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Whatever."\\

Hans Blix: Right Again

Hans Blix must be getting tired of being right all the time.

He was right about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction.

Now he's right about George W. Bush's reckless damaging of the Nuclear Non-prolifteration Treaty.

It has always seemed to me that nuclear weapons are of greatest value to terrorists, moderate value to a country which is militarily weak relative to potential enemies (North Korea, Israel) and of least value to a great power which has overwhelming superiority in conventional weapons over any possible enemy or combination of enemies.

That being the case, the U.S. government ought to be, and stay, at the vanguard of nuclear disarmament. Am I missing something?

I'm getting tired of Hans Blix being right all the time, but I can live with it. I'm not so sure about George W. Bush's being wrong all the time.

(Note: If your answer was going to involve the phrase "mass graves", please don't bother.)

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "What about Saddam's mass graves, huh?"\\

Possible Consequences

George W. Bush observed the anniversary of V-E Day by speaking at a military cemetery in Holland. He talked about the vital importance of ordinary people who step up when they are called to go to war, and about what an awesome burden it is to decide to go to war, and how democratic countries don't wage aggressive war the way those bad dictatorships do.

Now, I'll admit that I've never heard of any documented cases of the dead rising from their desecrated graves to wreak a terrible revenge upon the blasphemer, but don't you think Bush should have been at least a little bit afraid of the possibility?

//The Magioc 8-Ball says, "None of your business."\\

The Significant and the Trivial

I went to the Quaker Meeting today, as I've been trying to do lately. In the hope of settling my mind, I took my gorgeously decorated shirt in with me and sewed on it for a few minutes. That usually does a good job of calming me down.

As I sewed, I wondered if what I was doing would be distracting or offensive to anyone else as they entered the Meeting room one by one. Was it appropriate?

I also considered the thought that the bright colors and distinctive appearance of the shirt were severely dissonant to the practice of the earliest Quakers, although I recognized that as a nonsensical objection.

From there, I went on to think about the trivial vs. the essential, the broad issue of what is important and must be kept in mind, as opposed to that which was merely habit or tradition.

For instance, the very amusing Unitarian Jihad has been the target of criticism by Unitarians and others who have no sense of humor. One Quaker commentator primly (and irrelevantly) scolded the Unitarians for their Unitarianism, apparently under the mistaken impression that all Quakers are Trinitarians (so far as I know, it's still a matter of discussion whether all Quakers have to be Christians).

Thoughtfully,

John (aka Brother Log Chain of Patience)

//The Magic 8-Ball says "No."\\

Bush in 30 Years

Did you see "Child's Pay", the winner of the "Bush in 30 Seconds" contest? IF not, check it out here.

But before you do that, check out the current winner of the "http://www.bushin30years.org/winner.html?id=5498-1563499-Z1CoFy0f3OUXFSCfyrpr9g&t=2">Bush in 30 Years" contest.

Which Science Fiction Writer Are You?

I am: Cordwainer Smith (Paul M.A. Linebarger) This inimitably unique storyteller created a future with so many deep layers of history that all the world we know is practically lost in it.

Which science fiction writer are you?

I'm Cordwainer Smith? Huh. Wouldn't have guessed, but maybe so . . . .

I tried answering the questions as though I were George W. Bush, and was really surprised when it came back with David Brin. Of course, trying to apply anything literary to Bush is kind of like making passionate love to fog, so maybe I shouldn't bother trying.

//The Magic 8-Ball says, "Stop and think a moment."\\

I Finally Figured it Out

[Reposted from 23 August 2004]

"Nucular" isn't a mistake.

Noos = Greek "thought".

-culus = Latin, "small".

So, nucular means a small thought, a vague notion, a passing fancy.

Saddam Hussein possessed a nucular arsenal: an imaginary one.

New Blog

I have started a blog devoted to the history class I'm teaching at Willamette Valley Community School.

It's not interesting or anything. It's really only of (limited) interest to the staff and parents at WVCS. Just thought I'd mention it.

Be Not Afraid

Patrick Nielsen Hayden calls for a moratorium on the hackneyed catchphrase "Be afraid. Be very afraid." in commenting on the policies of the current administration.

Not because it's hackneyed, but because it's what the bastards want us to feel.

He offers in its place such interesting substitutes as "Be pissed and nimble. Be very pissed and nimble.", such classic substitutes as "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself", and the perfect anodyne, "Be not afraid."

"Be not afraid." I needed to hear that again.

Thank you, Patrick.

It Scans well to the "Ode to Freedom" (aka "Ode to Joy")

[Reposted from 13 August 2004]

For I dipt into the future, far as human eye could see,
Saw the Vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be;

Saw the heavens fill with commerce, argosies of magic sails,
Pilots of the purple twilight dropping down with costly bales;

Heard the heavens fill with shouting, and there rain'd a ghastly dew
From the nations' airy navies grappling in the central blue;

Far along the world-wide whisper of the south-wind rushing warm,
With the standards of the peoples plunging thro' the thunder-storm;

Till the war-drum throbb'd no longer, and the battle-flags were furl'd
In the Parliament of man, the Federation of the world.

There the common sense of most shall hold a fretful realm in awe,
And the kindly earth shall slumber, lapt in universal law.

from "Locksley Hall" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Stand Up and Be Counted . . . Or Not

A group calling themselves "Restore America" are wildly indignant to learn that e-mails to state Senator Frank Morse are considered part of the public record.

They want to bravely oppose Oregon Senate Bill 1000, which seeks to extend the rights of a U.S. citizen to queers. But they want to bravely oppose it anonymously, you see.

David Crowe calls this perfectly ordinary sharing of public information a "stunt", and rants about gay people's "unfettered willingness to go after those who oppose their wishes", hinting that he will be subject to some form of harassment, without actually making any accusation.

As for me, I am strongly in favor of SB 1000, at least as a start.

And you can quote me on that.

Well, that's enough of playing with the computer. From up here in the lookout, I am guiltily aware of Kathe and the ever-useful Corky down below on the porch roof, replacing shingles. I should get down there and help out.

//The Magic 8-Ball says: "Ask this question again in an hour, if you're sure you really want to know."\\